When coaching really isn’t doing its job
OK, bear with me; this is a bit of a rant and a bit of thought-forming and may, I suspect, make no sense to anyone other than me. Occasionally, I have thoughts that feel like bolts of lightning and moments of clarity that change the way I do things forever. This was one made all the better by talking it over with a person I love and admire a lot, Lisa Lister.
This thought was started by one of my business mentors (Fabeku Fatunmise) on a Facebook page, when he was talking about BIGNESS and SMALLNESS. For those of you that need an explanation, BIGNESS is when you stand in your power and come from love; SMALLNESS when you stand in a pile of Yuk and come for fear. Got it?
As I thought about this, I began to realise where coaching is great and where it really sucks. When I sit in front of young people I just won’t talk to their smallness; they tell me they are depressed, I ask them how they would feel if they weren’t. They tell me they can’t and I tell them that I don’t believe them. This, I think, is what makes me so good at what I do. I hold them in their BIG place and wait for them to catch up.
And that is what I do with most of the coaches I work with too – well most of the time anyway. As I thought about this more I began to realise that sometimes I end up coaching people through their smallness; their fear comes up with all sorts of things, such as not knowing what they are doing, not knowing if coaching is right for them, do they have enough time to do this properly and a multiple of other things, which on the surface seem valid but really they are just fear talking from someone’s SMALLNESS. And here is the kicker; I think here is where coaching doesn’t work. If I am stood there in my big place I can’t coach you through small stuff! Small stuff doesn’t want to listen. At this point I also began to realise that a lot of coaching is just set up to talk to your SMALLNESS, help make plans with your SMALLNESS, show you how to get more clients, show you how to use this business model to be a success, etc. and we buy into it! But if you buy or enter into something from a small place, guess what? It will never ever work because your fear can’t really be reasoned with.
And this is where coaching sucks and in my mind is not doing its job. We shouldn’t coach from a small place, but from a big place and wait for you to catch up. It shouldn’t coach the fear, it should coach the love, It should coach you to slay the fear, not fuel it.
Think of fear like a dragon. You can’t talk to a dragon, you can’t reason with it but you can slay it. You certainly don’t coach it, do you?
So stop buying things that sell to the fear, stop trying to coach your dragons and stop working with people who coach through your fear. When your dragons show up, put your big pants on, breath and remember; you have a magic sword!